Dear Ashley M,
I know this will most likely never get to you. I don't really care. It's a letter of apology, a letter of explanation. I'm sorry for anything I may have said in my last letter. I really wasn't thinking very clearly. All I remember is that I put my email address in there. I'm sorry for sounding like a hypocrite if I did, and I'm not sure if I am at this point. I said I wasn't like the other boys, and that is true. I don't get into relationships for sex, and never have. It's always been for the comfort the person can give me with their words, their arms, and their presence. My mind is not the most peaceful of places in the winter, and I'm sorry for that too. I haven't really learned to cope with it, just to stay away from people so that I don't repeat my past mistakes.
I met a girl who I intend on marrying though. Her name is Amanda. She lives in Conneaut, which is alright with me, since the people I know there are nice, just sorta strange. I see her every so often. It's often enough, maybe every other week from now on. I would have much rather stayed friends than have grown distant, but quite frankly, I'm not sure that would have helped very much. I was remembering too much too fast, and that's part of why I didn't know what I was writing. In my mind, at the time, you were the only thing I had left in Erie, since all of my other friends were most likely in jail or worse. I really do hope you got out of there.
Speaking of which, there's this girl I see in the area every once in awhile who reminds me a lot of you. I only see her in passing, and once she notices me, she quickly tends to leave. I saw her once on the RTA rails, and once while busing for the person working dining room at the local Panera. If that's you, you should really get some sleep.
That's another thing. I seem to want to take care of everyone I see suffering lately. Maybe it's my way of trying to make up for the things I've done. Maybe it's my way of trying to see myself as less of a monster. Yeah, I see myself as either a beast or a monster lately. Apparently, I threatened to blow up my high school as a sophomore, though I don't really remember what I said. I was really emotional at that point, and I really DID want to die because of what was going on. My closest friend wanted nothing to do with me, and my great grandmother had Alzheimer's and died a few weeks later. Then again, that's no excuse. But that seems to be why it happened.
Shortly after that, I met my third good friend, you being my first, the one who I had a falling out with my second, and Dan, the guy I met because all this happened, was my third good friend. I tried to make friends with everyone before that, and I did have a lot of people I got along with, but nobody I was close to. Dan was different. He creeped me the hell out, and he was a goth, but he was also the most caring, kind-hearted guy I've ever known. He was one of those people who would listen, and could relate to a lot of things. I never really realised there was anything missing until that point, when I realised that he was my only good friend right then. It's because of him that I met Amanda, my girlfriend and love of my life. Apparently, he's the hottest thing since molten lava in a girl's mind, and two girls from Amanda's town talked to us because of him. That led to me meeting Amanda, which led to us dating, which 2 years later, led to me wanting to marry her. It's not easy, this long-distance thing, but I think we can make it work.
Your old friend who feels much older,
Andrew Held
